I, Sanctimommy

I know I'm ages behind but I just read Mom101's piece on being a judgmental eyebrow raiser. And I have to confess: I am a recovering Sanctimommy.

With my first baby, I walked around fairly certain that I'd got parenting all figured out. If not in practice, certainly in theory. I chose my experts and my nutrition and my toxin free everything and for those who didn't follow my lead I felt scorn or, on a good day, pity. 'what you don't wear your baby every single second of the day? you buy sunblock at the drugstore? do you KNOW how much sugar is in that?'

I'm too passive to have been outright mean but I certainly know how to make people feel bad, even if they're not exactly sure why. It's in a tone, or a look or a seemingly innocent comment. One playdate with me and you'd leave convinced your child was going to grow into a neglected diabetic.

And then one day while I was counting the shush pats of my swaddled, breast fed 6 week old and breaking my brain trying to discern if it was exactly the right moment to transition to the basket portion of the sleep routine, I suddenly had a moment. It was my first real mommy moment. And it went like this "I think, I really think that I am developing a closer relationship with the sleep technique than I am with my actual baby."

And I took a breath. And I looked at her little infant face. And I put all the baby books away, trusted I'd absorbed enough to not wreck her completely, and started winging it.

Now, I still own a truckload of advice books and I reference them as needed. But in general I decided to give myself, and all the other moms and dads I came in contact with, a break from the Perfect Parent curse.

The reason that I needed all that stuff, all those ways to fortify my rightness, was to prove to myself - and everyone else - that I was indeed good enough to be a mother. Because deep down, I was pretty sure I wasn't. A little moral superiority goes a long way toward buttressing the old self-esteem.

It also goes a long way toward creating overwhelming feelings of guilt and isolation. And the self esteem boost? Temporary. So, I surrendered my Sanctimommy and joined the rest of you in the real world. It's nice here.

I am now secure in the knowledge that I am never going to be better than good enough. And thanks to you all 'bad' mommies out there, I feel safe knowing neither is anyone else.